i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
