At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
