so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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