Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
