i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
