So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
