So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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