listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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