when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
