I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
