You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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