I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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