I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
