I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
