just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
