I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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