he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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