Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
