Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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