she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
