i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
