Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize