What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
