you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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