the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
