Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
