My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
