Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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