Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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