she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
