I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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