He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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