im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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