We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
