Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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