I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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