I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
