tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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