You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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