I want you more than these girls want KFC
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
