great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The air taste purple.
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