I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
