I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
