I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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