The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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