not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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