hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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