so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a search helicopter?!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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