I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
