I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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