It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
