I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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