My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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