Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
