theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
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