I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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