my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
