My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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