Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
