once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
